Tuesday, September 24, 2002

HA HA HA! I scared the poor girl over at Ramen's mother. That's funny. I don't blame her, in all honesty. Poor woman. Internet culture is shocking in its more horrible aspects, revealing all the basest drives of human nature, but it does have moments where it draws out kindness from people, even compassionless bastards such as myself, without them fully understanding why. I dunno. I think perhaps the answer is that it's not about "why", so much as "why not?". Well, that and my shockingly bad money management skills. My rationale for this, and the various small donations I have made to the webcomics I read from time to time, is that I will not know where the money went by the time my next paycheck arrives. I will blow it all on Dr. Pepper, and eating at Chili's, or miscellaneous plastic crap from Wal-Mart that breaks within a month. I spend all my money on bills and important things (read: CD's and Books) within the first few days of getting it. I have no time to do anything with my money, anyway, now. I go to work, go to massage school, get home, and have to get to sleep within a half hour. Might as well encourage someone whose art I was actually impressed by, eh wot? It's absolutely understandable to expect that no one does something nice without an ulterior motive, even though it is a sad commentary on modern day society. I do have an ulterior motive, to a degree, a selfish one. Doing a random good deed is like a quick fix for one's self-esteem. You feel like a saint for a few hours, even when you're just as flawed as everyone else. Makes it a lot more easy to understand how people can dedicate themselves to selfless causes and the like. It's a trap, I think, though...self-worth comes from within. Random micro-philanthropy is all fine and good, but it's a quick fix solution. You have to go out and become someone you believe in. I'm terrified of that, because it's difficult and thankless, but I'm finally starting to believe I will eventually make it to that point. I am finally going somewhere in my life that I feel may take me somewhere besides miserable. So for the first time in years, there is a small glimmer of hope again. If I can give a piece of that warmth to someone else for a little while with no effort, all the better. That said, there's a lot of creepy-as-hell people out there, never trust anyone until you know what they're up to. This goes for all of you out there in TV land, and especially you, Ramen-Girl.


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