From The Austinist - "My good friend Molly Ivins once told me that if you are very poor, save your pennies and use them to buy cat food because you can always trick your stomach into feeling full with a glass of water before bed but you cannot shut up a screaming cat without food."

A quick survey of crushes I had as a young man: Ally Sheedy's character from The Breakfast Cub; the neurotic girl from Real Genius; Winona Ryder's character from Welcome Home Roxy Carmichael; cartoon character Daria; Winona Ryder in most of the rest of her roles; Janeane Garofalo; Maureen Flannigan; Janine Turner in Northern Exposure; Sarah Jessica Parker; Jodie Foster; Tori Amos; Leah Andreone; and Björk.

...

Jesus, I'm weird...

Woke up at midnight after going to bed at 8:30 because the exercise program I'm on is exhausting. Listened to the new Dar Williams album, which came out last summer but I missed somehow. I just spent the last 45 minutes crying like I haven't in years. The thing is, there are so many things and people to cry about I don't know what or why I was crying. Or why I still am. I just know it needs to happen, and is probably behind schedule.

11) Although I write songs, I am as yet not that satisfied with my songwriting. Unfortunately, I don't seem to have a lot of motivation to continue. I'm afraid I'm getting kind of a "yeah, I did that," attitude about it, but I suspect it is more pedestrian writer's block. I did complete 15 songs though.

12) I don't shave my beard, ever, because I have scars on my chin from a bicycle accident as a child. I got the speedometer on my cycle up to what I remember to be 30MPH. I suspect that this is not an accurate memory, though. Probably somewhere in the high 20's. One second I'm going, the next the bike is wobbling...all of a sudden the bike is no longer under me, just vanished like a magic trick. Scraped up my elbows, knees, and chin, and got me a plastic tooth for my troubles. Made me scared to "get back on the horse" for a while, too.

13) I had my gallbladder removed when I was in my early 20's. The doctors were amazed that I was not an alcoholic, and it took some time convincing them that I in fact almost never drink. I suspect that I encouraged the gallstone growth by taking supplements of creatine designed for athletes. Just because GNC sells it doesn't mean you should take it, especially not the recommended way. (Gallstones are made in part of creatine, you see) Taking an internal organ out sucks, even a little one, and I found out that I have delightfully atypical responses to painkillers and anesthetics. Morphine doesn't really work to kill pain, just shuts me up, and anesthetics work for a shortened period of time if at all. Waking up in the operating theatre when they have collapsed your lungs to get to your gallbladder sucks, and hurts. Novocaine doesn't work at all on me, and the rest of the -caine family work poorly if at all. 36 shots of lidocaine in the jaw and nitrous oxide was all it took to convince my dentist of this. The amusing part is that he dropped hints that he suspected it to be the result of a previous cocaine habit - sorry, doc, but it's a natural immunity that I discovered at 11 when they used novocaine to remove a small lump from my right leg. It wasn't cancer, but it hurt like nine hells since the novocaine didn't work at all.

14) Speaking of tumours, I have a small tumour on my stomach. The doctor told me to check back with him if it ever grew in size, but that was 18 years ago and it hasn't. It has, at the least, outlived my doctor...then again so has that creepy immortal tumour in Tazmania.

15) I claim to have a bad memory for names, and to a degree this is true, but not really. In fact, I tend to make up little nicknames for people in my head almost instantly but don't want to let them know that because it's rude and a terrible crutch. I rarely mean anything particularly bad by them, but they are sometimes insulting even though I'm not thinking of them that way. "Redhead Joker-Grin Guy" was a guy I knew in Mesquite. You can see why that would be offensive, but it wasn't insulting in my head, just an identifier. If I can still remember it after I've learned your name, you can ask me yours, but promise not to get offended - I promise it's not meant to be unless you frighten me or threaten my loved ones, or really really really annoy me.

16) People have this impression that I'm a nice guy, for some reason. I know I do things that encourage this, but they are not entirely accurate in their assumptions. I'm not a bad guy, I don't think, but my reputation is not nearly as deserved as some of the BS I hear from time to time. People confuse apathy for something else, I think.

17) I am slightly color blind. My father is profoundly color blind, but can still see a few things. When I was a kid, my mother and I would have him pick the green vegetables from the garden because he could see them very clearly whereas to us they were all but invisible amongst the green.

18) I miss my mother, and it bothers me that I haven't really had much time to grieve even now. Didn't stop me from letting my life get out of control as if I were grieving, but I haven't faced it consciously very much yet. We were growing apart for a while before the end, and had just begun to get closer again. I regret very much that I didn't get to tell her how much she meant to me and how amazed I was by her - how she influenced everything about me in so many ways, and how proud I am of those things in me that came from her...even though she knows, and knew even then I think.

19) I have a tremendous amount of respect for some of my friends. I try my best to respect everyone I call a friend, but some people are true examples for me. I can't really express it without sounding like I'm kissing up or being blind to their flaws, but neither is the case. Thom, Kat, Jared, John, Fro Daddy Kody, Eddie, Phillip at times although the friendship is young, Stacy, Collin although-you-are-on-watch-mister, An old friend who wishes to remain nameless but knows who she is, Julianne, Marc "Chess Guy", and Noreen, among many others, are truly amazing people. Anyone who doesn't believe that the universe contains greater things than we usually conceive of doesn't stop to look around them very much. We are *surrounded* by the remarkable so much that we fail at times to remark upon it, and lose the picture altogether. (And if I didn't include you on here, that doesn't mean you aren't included on the list - I was just running through names quickly in my head)

That's all for now...check back later for more exciting bat-updates.

9) I'm sick as a dog right now. Cold, allergies, whatever it is - I hate it. I should be asleep or something. Ugh.

10) I struggled with depression for almost 20 years. That was fun. In the end, I am not sure my methods of conquering it were completely effective. The fallout from them did a substantial amount of damage that I am still repairing. Ugh.

Still sick, working on it....more later.

Dan Solomon tagged me with this thing. I'm not a huge fan of these because it is expected that you forward them, and I dislike encouraging memetic organisms to culture in my petri dish, but I have tons of respect for Dan and Kat, and it sounds interesting. I'm not tagging anyone, tag your own damned self. :)

"Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you and post it. At the end, choose 5 people to be tagged."

1) I collect hobbies. I don't tend to do very many of them, I just collect the information on how to do them should it ever come up. This is not particularly productive at times, but I've been collecting information on how to set up organizational systems that will hopefully enable me to be far more prod--oh, right.

2) I am a huge webcomic nerd. I started reading them when I worked at a tech support place in Mt. Pleasant, and although the job didn't work out well for a variety of reasons, the comic obsession stuck. I have at various times attempted to write my own, but never got too far because I'm a bit concerned about my artistic ability and/or the chances of finding an artist that I can count on to faithfully reproduce what I have in mind and stick with it.

3) I have never left the continent. I have been to many of the continental states, as well as brief forays into Canada and Mexico, but have never been overseas or far south enough to qualify for much else. I hope to rectify this one day.

4) I'm returning to college this fall, if all goes well. I'm a bit scared of this, but hopefully ready. One of my biggest regrets is the path my education took in my youth. I don't know where one would have to start to really put things on the track I would prefer, but I never did go away to college, and while I don't think the window is closed for education and self-improvement I know that I missed out on that experience. The closest I have are vicarious experiences and some sort of odd daydream/real dream overlap somewhere in the back of my head - not-memories of things that didn't happen and people that I never met, cobbled together from pieces of dreams and imagination, and refined by other people's stories. This makes it sound like I spend a lot of time on this or something, but I never really even noticed it until recently. "Back of my mind" in a very real sense - I suspect it's probably just my childhood idea of what school would one day be like growing with me independent of any actual events to affect its course.

5) I live in mortal fear of unemployment for every second I am working, and being unemployed makes me incapable of returning to employment. I got fired from my first two or three jobs, because I was a teenager. I didn't really do anything spectacular to get fired, except for the time I quit my job as a janitor for the local country club which was intentional and not a firing, just standard punctuality and slacking issues endemic to teens. It apparently left a mark, though. I am totally freaked out by employment and the necessity of income. Not good.

6) The above story I referenced is one of my proudest moments. I was working as a janitor at the local country club for about a week and a half when they fired the old manager and hired a new one. I liked the old guy well enough, new guy was a retired marine drill sergeant, no joke. Within a week he fired all the gay employees, which was almost half the staff. I took this as a bad sign, went into his office and quit, citing my reasons as him obviously being a Nazi and figuring that the weird ones like myself were probably next. He was very angry, and that forehead vein stood out. I left quickly after that. Best. Resignation. Ever. Of mine, anyway.

7) I get crushes on people from time to time, it is almost never successful and rarely does it work out in other ways. It used to be crippling, as I had far too much of my self-worth tied up in the opposite sex's response to me, although I have gotten better about that by far. Breakups were truly devastating, far out of proportion to the actual event. Among them, I had one breakup that took me six years to completely get over, and one that took about three. In all fairness, the first was basically my first girlfriend, and the other one...well, she's a remarkable person that *should* take some getting over - even if I did make myself an uncomfortable person to be around for that time period. I still have a hard time placing her in my social spectrum, to be honest. The romantic interest I'm over, quite happily, as I really like and respect the person she ended up with and he's a far more appropriate match that I was, not to mention that it simply just wasn't possible for that one to work. That's not always a bad thing, despite Hollywood's protestations. Still, the rare times we talk I am always amazed by the instant rapport and familiarity that we have. It's something that doesn't happen much in my friendships - she feels (these days) more like a family member - long lost sibling or somesuch. Truly a rare friend, one who always inspires and soothes. Which reminds me, I should really get in touch with those two and see what they're up to since they're back. (Hi Kat and Dan)

8) Speaking of, I have [at least one] crush currently on [at least one of] my neighbours. It is doubtful that anything will come of it, but it kills time.

More of these later....

SANCHO
I'm Sancho! Yes, I'm Sancho!
I'll follow my master till the end.
I'll tell all the world proudly
I'm his squire! I'm his friend!

-Man of La Mancha


It's not right, and it's not fair, damnit. Something should be done about it, Surely, there must be something. But what? Who? Goddamnit, this will not, cannot stand.

It's not that often that there is this quick of a turnaround, but have you ever just wished you could turn around, slap yourself, and say, "What the HELL is wrong with you, man?"

Buyer's Remorse

Still here