Monday, January 09, 2006

Reading a friend of mine's post helped me put into perspective an interesting phenomenon that I've been experiencing of late. I've been spending a lot of time by myself lately, and while that's usually a pretty good thing because I'm an introvert, it's been stressful as well. Stress is something I'm particularly aware of, I can feel it start bubbling halfway down my spine before it really gets started, and if I'm really stressed out it's like having someone sitting on your shoulders, trying to direct your attention in unhealthy directions. That's a metaphor, of course. I don't have hallucinations or shoulder devils, at least as far as I know. But yeah, I've been spending a lot of time by myself, and it has been making me pay attention to myself - the "who I am when I'm alone", I suppose. I have an instinctive fear response to this, which I suspect a lot of americans have these days. The thing is, I'm not afraid of who I am when I'm by myself, because I already know. I'm worried about obscurity, about being tangental in other people's lives. Not really, not anymore, but that's the knee-jerk emotional response that happens first. Then after thinking about it a little while, I realize that that is not going to happen. Even if I were that unimportant to everyone else in my life, which is so far from true as to be ridiculous, I made a decision a long time ago that I was important to *me*. What I do with my life, my time, etc, don't have to be important to other people as long as I'm doing things I believe in. As long as I'm trying (emphasis on trying, most days) to take my life in a direction that is important to me.

2 Comments:

Blogger Shoeless said...

Well put. But I must say that as wonderful as Mindy is both of you should be seen more. Otherwise you become known as lost in the blackhole. This is my way of saying that I want ot hang out with both of you. Not just when one of you isn't available for each other.

1/10/2006 11:47 AM  
Blogger Vieja Mano De los Pescados said...

Came across your blog while updating my own. I just wanted to let you know that what you’ve written is a compelling sentiment which I find particularly applicable to my own life. I recently graduated University and don’t know what to do with my life.

Anyway, keep up the good work.

1/19/2006 6:11 PM  

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