So this year, instead of New Year's resolutions, I'm declaring New Year's Jihads.

I declare a jihad against:

my ever-growing waistline
television
poverty
having to drive to Mexico to get my prescriptions refilled because I can't afford insurance
the excessive amount of meat in my diet
not having a working car
poor grades
laziness
pop culture
reality television
lack of exercise
owing people money
being disorganized
having a disgusting home
spending too much money
your mom
that guy who punched me in the throat
my parents being broke as well as me
planning to do things and not doing them
inevitability
high fructose corn syrup
acne and other skin problems